fitness needed. urgently.

Well. I said I would maybe not write about it again, but I feel obliged.

Dynamo Chicken Kiev suffered an honourable 4-1 defeat on Tuesday, in the Thurrock Premier 6-a-side league. We lost to the Thurrock Falcons who pretty much dominated us all game.

We’re now hovering dangerously above the relegation zone in tenth which, let’s be fair, is pretty crap. But I’m not really demoralised – they were just miles fitter than us. And my mate Decanus took over a team mid-season, that had already lost a whole bunch of games. They didn’t half whinge though, arguing every decision, it was like watching Chavski play or something.

We did score one lovely goal but if it hadn’t been for one left-footed bloke (with the least accurate shooting I’ve ever seen) hogging the ball from his team-mates they probably would’ve won by a lot more. Half the time I was reduced to just looking up to the heavens as another pass was misplaced. Oh well.

Myself though, I think I did pretty good. It was a huge pitch and I did some hardcore sprinting and runnning – especially in the first half. My passing was ok, I didn’t bottle a tackle but I did again realise just how crap a sprinter I am.

I lasted about 20-odd minutes before I let the sub take my place though. Had a beer on the touchline for the last five mins or so – I couldn’t be bothered to go back on.

I was expecting pain over the next couple of days too. I felt fine yesterday but am now starting to feel the pull on the muscles.  Think that’s ’cause I did a load of walking going over Tottenham yesterday. Maybe it’s time to get fit…

…or not. I’m not a particularly driven person sport-wise. We’ll see.

J

my mate decanus…

…is very excited about the football today. After a lengthy abscene from the game, I – accompanied by my good friend the Doctor – will be making my debut for his team.

Dynamo Chicken Kiev (I’m 70% sure that’s the name but I can’t remember exactly), I think they’re called are currently mid-table in the local six-a-side league after taking over another team’s position in the league mid-season.

Decanus, my friend, is this man on the right –>>>>>>>

Doesn’t he look threatening? He’s harmless, but this is what he looks like when he plays football.
Or so I hope.

But for me, the football will be hard and I hope for Decanus’ sake, it isn’t too hard.
See my friend, the Doctor, is a sporty energetic man. If I remember correctly, my old friend is a shouting, aggressive bloke when playing. I, I’m afraid to say, am none such thing. Well, maybe shouty. Decanus too is a sporty man – he gyms, he will run a marathon this year. Even the team’s ‘biggest’ player is probably far more athletic than I. But nonetheless, I shall rise above it and once again, become a footballer.
For thirteen minutes each half.
I shall ache, I shall get cramp, and I’ll probably cough up my lungs but yes, I shall be, a footballer again.

I’ve heard the Doctor has been boning up on research, reading an edition of FourFourTwo that has Arsene Wenger’s guide to five-a-sides in it. Nice. Decanus will probably wake up tomorrow, limber up and prepare his mind throughout the day. I shall have a beer on the train home and see what happens. He emailed over the teamsheet this morning, all nicely laid out on half a green football pitch the size of A5 paper when printed, letting us know the starting six. (It’s pasted below).

I’m adopting the no running, playmaker role in midfield – I like to think of it as the fountain, distributing passes, spraying the ball around. Like Tommy, Tommy Huddlestone – the future of English football (except the Newcastle game at the weekend… shame).

I’m afraid I’ll be a bit more the stone, not moving and looking lifeless.

But it’s nice while it lasted. At least for these few seconds here, I’m mentally a footballer. But I’ll try my hardest goddammit, I’ll fight for Dynamo Chicken Kiev and kiss it’s buttery badge of herbs and chicken and oozing watery stuff from inside its beautiful breadcrummy exterior.

And if, perchance, we win the game and I notch a couple of goals, then I’ll walk home happy with myself and with a spring in my step, faith restored in life. And I’ll walk into that pub. I’ll breathe in it’s smoky air. I’ll neck that pint and… fuck it… I’ll buy a 99p frozen Chicken Kiev from the Turkish corner shop on the way home.

Then again, if it goes badly, I don’t expect I’ll write about this again.

J.